tick tock tick tock

I have nothing that I am interested in blogging openly about.
I won't be using LiveJournal much at all anymore. Mostly only for private posts in which only I can see.

don't make me leave here with my foot in yo ass, be cool.





( Pictures from a studio shoot in Hong Kong, dawg. )

if you wanna come and get it shawty, I don't give a fuck.


I can't even remember when the last time I posted was. I have been way too lazy to type....

( Anyways, I'll start from Valentine's Day. )

and what I want to do career wise and I think perhaps I will pursue something along the lines of being a make-up artist.

I figure if I can make myself presentable and actually pretty on a daily basis, why not get paid to do so for someone else? Aside from my immediate family, Josh, and Dylan, no one has seen me without ANY make-up on in at least the last three years. No one (and I intend to keep it that way). I am seriously one ugly person without make-up, but no one would know because I'm a face painting expert!

Aside from wanting to make everyone beautiful, I am going to China this fall for two to six months. I'll be staying in Taishan and teaching young men and women conversational English so they can migrate to America. All paid for, the flight, housing, everything! Plus I get paid on top of all of that. I love having strange connections around the world. You can bet that I will be flying to Japan from China to make a brief visit, hopefully South Korea too so I can visit Min-Jun (my long time penpal).

Now I just need to devise a plan to scam my way out of doing my community service. This will be tricky but I am sure with Adam's help I will pull it off. Speaking of which, he called me last night to tell me that he is happy we are friends again and that, "I really like your new douche. I've seen some of the comments and picture comments he's left you and he seems like a really, really good guy. I'm glad you're not dating another asshole. I approve." Not that I needed his approval, but considering he loathes everyone, it was nice to hear. Oh, and he's paying for me to go to some herbalist acupuncturist woman because he is worried about my health lately. Awesome.

"Break me", she whispered. For a moment, lips parting, saliva like spider webs strewn from one to another. In an instant, tightly pressed back together to keep the words from pouring out, short breaths, in and out; lungs grasping, but hands grasping harder -gripping on to one another, anywhere, just come closer. Don't you know lust like this is dangerous?
Melt me down like plastic.
Consume me.

"I want to."

I'm sitting on my new island of a futon, playing F.E.A.R. without a care in the world only to glance down for a brief moment and what do I see? Am... am I getting fucking cankles? I assure myself I am delusional, I know this, I've been through this before. I can't rid my mind of the repulsive image. In a desperate attempt to avoid the sickening thought (fact), I frantically dig through my purse, clawing it's innards, eventually leading me to pour out it's contents only to find- or more so- not find my fucking pill collection.

Today, like most others, is not my day. I may have a house key to call my own but I sure as hell do not have my sanity. Thank goodness I am avoiding all things productive... I really ought to leave the house.

Ravelle and I are getting an apartment in February! I start working full-time at Peking Tokyo on Saturday, and aside from having to deal with my creepster boss, life will be grand.

I'm so thrilled to not be living on a fucking hill anymore.

In other news, I think I just made a complete ass of myself. What's new!?

I wish I could turn my brain off for just one, solid minute.

-_-;;

I am broke.
I am digging my way out of a mental-shit hole state.
But I am motivated.

I have become very smitten with Seiji..
I cannot get him out of my head.

Kairu is moving to Japan.
Schwarze Sonne will continue there.
I want to be a part of that.
I know there is a lot in play with why we have met and become such close friends.
Only good things can come from this.

Now I am torn as to which goals I should work towards.
Moving to the bay area this summer?
Moving to Japan this year?
Modeling? Singing?
Both. But where?

These next few years are going to be VERY important.
In ways most will not imagine-- and I am beginning to realize more and more about myself.
For now I will keep the mindset of a plan to save money for moving (somewhere) and enough to visit Japan as planned with Sierra.

After Washington I will not be spending any money. It will be very difficult for me, but much is depended on that.

I am excited for where time will take me.

I finally found a roommate to move with me in July to San Jose!

If you live around there, let me know <3

Darling Kairu are talking of great plans such as him producing me as a sort of decadance electronica musician. He's really quite good at these things, so I have total faith in him.

If this is a success, then like him, I could probably get an entertainment visa in Japan where I could continue doing music and modeling.


On to reality.
I am going to Napa very soon to scope out my room. I'll be living there part time in order to stay sane. That's about all that is going on with me.

unless you don't give a good goddamn about redemption...



OH HAY THUR.
I have been so busy this week with photoshoots. I basically just wanna punch myself in the face repeatedly for booking so many as I would much rather sleep all day. I'm proud of myself for still taking time to study, though.

I've been talking with Adam again. It can't be helped, we're just too funny when we get together. The other night at his house we watched this epic movie called Mandinga. It was an Italian film dubbed in English. About half way through we noticed it was also a porno. I recommend it to everyone for good LAWLZ.

Anyways, I have to leave for ANOTHER fucking shoot. I NEED SOME MORE CAFF.

riving dead girrrrr. I'm having another Rob Zombie binge. These things cannot be avoided.

I'm back from Sacramento. I'm proud of myself, I ate relatively healthy. Hardly had any gluten or sugar. GO ME. I also managed to stay on my workout routine AND I fuckin' studied. I basically kicked Thanksgiving in the face. I'm also studying German again! It's been over six years, so I have sort of forgotten most everything I learned. I'm sure it will come back to me quickly, though. Japanese sure has.

It's nice to not have twelve-thousand children groping your legs for attention. I'm back to trying to plan moving. I just wish I had a better idea of where I wanted to go. I've been thinking about San Jose, Seattle, Rhode Island, France, and Japan. I hate making up my mind, dammit.

I'm desperately trying to make some money in order to pay off some fines for a DUI and to start saving to move. Check out my stuff on Ebay:

http://shop.ebay.com/claydecat/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686

Also, I'm selling a DECORA NAIL KIT!

includes:
400+ Clear French Style False Acrylic UV Nail Art Tips
4 Nail Art Design Polish Brushes Liner Painting Pen
12 Solid Color Powder Acrylic Additive
12 Color Glitter Dust Powder UV Gel Additive
Nail Art Tips Glitter Rhinestone Decoration Wheel
Mixed Rhinestones Beads Nail Art Glitter Wheel
Professional Nail Art ACRYLIC CRYSTAL LIQUID 120ml

None of it has been used.

( PICTURES BEHIND CUT )

I did a Japanese vampire-themed shoot yesterday for Larry Sanborn as part of a new graphic novel he is working on. The pictures will be photo shopped to hell and back so that I look a bit cartoonish, but the shoot was fun nonetheless. I got to wear fangs and swing a katana around, partake in some gun play, and stab some bitches (the innocent version of myself) with a dagger. Plus, I'm going to be the main character in a fucking graphic novel, which is totally tits!

He sent me a .zip of the raw photos today. I am one crazy bitch. I look so violent and hateful in some of the pictures that I am even a little scared of myself.

derp derp derp moving right along.
I have a shoot scheduled in Willits next Tuesday and one in Chico next Friday. Saturday I'm going to Pumpkin Fest. Then things will calm down for a week, hopefully. I have court on October 30th. Fuuuuu'. *FACEPALM*

I have a lot more to update about, but I have been getting pretty severe headaches whenever I am at the computer (which has been too much lately). So I suppose I'll fill in the blanks later.

Off to watch Silent Hill now. I haven't seen it in a year or so.
What I really want to do is play violent video games. Sigh.

shrugging confusion off of yesterdays shoulder
he put on his pressed slacks and walked down the cracked and desolate back streets of his mind.
trying to hail cab, hand in the air, shouting, shouting
but only a faint whisper emerged from his crusted lips
when would time tick away at it's usual pace again
why was it instead slipping like sand through the gaps in his monstrous hands

he could not wait
he simply could not wait any longer
where was the shrieking buzz of his alarm clock
drenched in sleep, he could not shake himself.


he would never make it to the theater in time to see the new meg ryan movie.


(also, my journals are no longer all going to be friends only)

God dammit, sometimes I close my eyes and I see that Girugamesh guy... Always followed promptly by the thought "JAAAAAAAAAY RAAAAAAWK".

I started watching True Blood yesterday. I have only seen four episodes and I am already hooked. Gotta love cheesy vampire shows. Anna Paquin is in it though, and in my opinion she is super ug, it makes it a little painful to watch. As you can see I have gotten over that though. I also cleaned my room a TON. I have so much shit that I need to get rid of, I am just not sure where to bring it since I want money for it. Whatever, it will probably sit in bags in my room for another twelve years.

Anyways, I start work on Wednesday at Peking Tokyo. They are training me how to take Chinese orders... I'm going to ask to be called Ling Ling there; I'm not joking. I'll be working with literal Chinese slaves that Jackson imports from China and let's live with him. It's going to be AWESOME.

Wednesday I also have a PVC fetish shoot booked. No titties and ass, but it will still be pretty scandalous. Plus I get to wear my awesome thigh high patent leather boots and white wig. SHIT'S GONNA BE OFF DA HEAZY. I've worked with this photographer before, he totally makes me laugh. He is some frail little ancient Asian man named Tran and he is always like "WE SHOW RITTRE THIGH JOO KNOW MAKE BOYS WANT MO'."


LOLOMGWTF
I'm off to go watch Kill Bill.

Yesterday Cleo and I decided it was a good day to get drunk. We tried desperately to scrounge for enough money to get gas to go to Santa Rosa so we could chill with Angie, but failed. So instead we lingered outside Safe Way in hopes of seeing someone we'd know who was over 21. Two scummy brothers "from Seattle" (I call bs on that one) approached us and started giving us their life story. I quickly interrupted and demanded their ages: nineteen and twenty-two. So of course we proposed that they buy us champagne right away. We give the oldest about six dollars and sent him in. He came out with two bottles, one of which he had payed for and invited us back to their hotel room. We somewhat rudely said, "No.." and ditched them to head to Cleo's. Upon arriving we cracked open the bottles, polished one off, and put the other in a nice plastic bottle for traveling, watched a lot of internet garbage which is my favorite, and did some internet stalking.

I got a text message from Will saying, "Totally out of the left field, but do you feel like hitting that new Bebop's place? I'll buy." I gave him the heads-up of the situation and told him I was with Cleo and he came and picked us up and took us there. Cleo and I ordered garlic cheese fries to share. The cheese looked like mustard. We made frequent bathroom trips and sipped off of our Gatoraid bottle of champagne. We realized it must have looked awfully suspicious and like we were totally coked out. If only, if only. After Bebop's, we all headed over to Cleo's and did who knows what. More internet garbage.

At around 12am I headed over to Adam's house. He was super nice and still apologetic for being a prick. We talked a bit and hung out for a few hours. I went home around 4am.

Now I have just woken up and I am pretty sure I am coming down with a cold. I'm going to finish my book today and start on Loop. I wish I had Netflix or my laptop so I could watch some good, scary movies. It might be time to start an account at Blockbuster since New Release sucks.

...that it doesn't really even matter. I hate your music. I hate your friends. I hate your Jap-shit, it's fucking ridiculous, and I hate your blue hair."

Hey thanks, that's a nice thing to say to someone you're fucking.

I think the extremes are getting to be too much. You're either all over me and can't stop talking about how much you love me and adore me and how beautiful I am, or you're tripping balls about how young and fake I am and how you don't even know why you're attracted to me.

I'm just kind of dragging along on this little string. But it's both of our faults.

I really need to move.
I had said this before, but I finally decided to mean it: I'm NOT going to Japan again this year and am instead buying a car. I want to move to San Francisco, or somewhere close so I can continue to study Japanese language, but with more ease. I just don't know how possible it is to find a roommate that would be serious about moving with me. Of course I want Josh to be my roommate, but I'm afraid it might be too difficult to plan with him living in Texas.

At least I am going to Portland soon to visit Cory.

God dammit. Why is Gackt such a pervert and why does he look like Cloud Strife in this video. RHETORICAL QUESTIONS, GUYS.

( Vanilla )

This week has been incredible and awful all at once.

So many things have seemed to be looking up.
I dropped out of my Japanese language class and am no longer feeling so anxious all the time.
I've been spending most everyday with Adam. We get along so well, and although I had been worried about how he had actually felt about me considering he jokes around a lot, we have been talking so, so much lately that all of those fears are dissolving. He has such a harsh outlook on the world, sometimes when we're together though, he is just so vulnerable and I get glimpses of this completely sweet man. He's sincere, I can tell. It's such a relief meeting someone honest versus all of the douches I've dated.

Oh, and we decided to quit drinking for a while. We had been binge drinking for a few days out of every week and were just feeling like total shit.


^^ I like to document my amazing eyebrow days with webcam pictures. ^^

( Also, I'm probably completely insane. )